Monday, January 21, 2013

Just how the heck did I get here??

Lawd, lawd...weekends are BRUTAL for me.  The lack of structure and my intense to reward myself for some unknown victory (you know...."I deserve it").  Blow everything I worked hard for for days.

But alas, I digress. I was on the elliptical (my ultimate frienimy) and jamming on some Jordan Sparks (dont judge, I love her 1st album) and some bits of wisdom eeked through:

Gotta let my spirit be free,To admit that I'm wrong, And then change my mind

Sorry but I have to move on,  And leave you behind (Perhaps an new potential for ode to my chubby persona??)

I can't waste time so give it a moment, I realize nothing's broken, No need to worry about everything I've done,  Live every second like it was my last one

Don't look back, got a new direction, I loved you once, needed protection, You're still a part of everything I do, You're on my heart just like a tattoo, Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you

I'm sick of playing all of these games, It's not about taking sides, When I looked in the mirror didn't deliver, It hurt enough to think that I could

Thats kinda how I feel when I look in the mirror these days...didnt deliver on my promises to myself.  But am getting myself up and brushing myself up and starting again.

Short history lesson - no one is reading this so it will be a good refresher for me! 

I was always thin - put on a few when I got married (and I mean like 15-ish).  I joined weight watchers and took it off without a problem. Got pregnant, ate everything in sight and came home with 30 lbs to lose.  I rejoined weight watchers and took aerobics twice a week at a local church.  Got down to high school weight and stayed around there until over a few years until I found myself getting chubby once again.  I have no idea for the life of me why but over NY 2000, I just flat out made what I thought would be a lifetime decision to get my shizz together and get healthy (not just thin).  I am a true gadget girl and there was a 1st generation pedometer called Sportbrain (which I miss almost every day).  It challenged me to get in 10,000 EVERY SINGLE day.  It would give you a little calendar and seeing green for every day really motivated me for some unknown reason.  I got back down to what I weighed when I graduated high school.  I then joined a gym and hired a trainer and for the 1st time in my list I turned into what I would call....athletic!  I ran a few 5K's and ran the Peachtree Road Race 10K two years - once with my son who was about 9 at the time.  I was the most fit and felt better than I ever had.  I worked full time and spent virtually every evening working out.  Incredibly wearing a size 0 or 2 - my constant complaint was finding clothes that would fit.  I kept at a reasonable weight until only son left for college and left a huge hole in my heart.  I put on a little more weight in 2010 and 2011.  I took a new job in 2011 which caused me to travel nonstop...welcome another 15 lbs.  Last summer, I was let go from said new job (which hindsight was a blessing since I hated it).  I had the summer off and HATED it.  I finally found a new job that I am really REALLY enjoying.  I have all the time in the world to work out and am in the worst shape I have ever been in.  I sometimes hate to leave the house.  Being heavy prevents me from doing so much.  I guess I'd rather hide in my house, with a nice glass of wine (or 2 or 3) and watch tv.  Until - over the last few months, I just dont want to do that anymore.  I want to go places, see people and actually start living again.  I want to look in the mirror and go "Dang - Smokin Hot! I want to shop and complain about nothing fitting.  I want to be happy and have my family be proud of me and what I have accomplished.

So - here I am. I want to lose 40 lbs.  But more importantly - I want me back.

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