Lawd, lawd...weekends are BRUTAL for me. The lack of structure and my intense to reward myself for some unknown victory (you know...."I deserve it"). Blow everything I worked hard for for days.
But alas, I digress. I was on the elliptical (my ultimate frienimy) and jamming on some Jordan Sparks (dont judge, I love her 1st album) and some bits of wisdom eeked through:
Gotta let my spirit be free,To admit that I'm wrong, And then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on, And leave you behind (Perhaps an new potential for ode to my chubby persona??)
I can't waste time so give it a moment, I realize nothing's broken, No need to worry about everything I've done, Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back, got a new direction, I loved you once, needed protection, You're still a part of everything I do, You're on my heart just like a tattoo, Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'm sick of playing all of these games, It's not about taking sides, When I looked in the mirror didn't deliver, It hurt enough to think that I could
Thats kinda how I feel when I look in the mirror these days...didnt deliver on my promises to myself. But am getting myself up and brushing myself up and starting again.
Short history lesson - no one is reading this so it will be a good refresher for me!
I was always thin - put on a few when I got married (and I mean like 15-ish). I joined weight watchers and took it off without a problem. Got pregnant, ate everything in sight and came home with 30 lbs to lose. I rejoined weight watchers and took aerobics twice a week at a local church. Got down to high school weight and stayed around there until over a few years until I found myself getting chubby once again. I have no idea for the life of me why but over NY 2000, I just flat out made what I thought would be a lifetime decision to get my shizz together and get healthy (not just thin). I am a true gadget girl and there was a 1st generation pedometer called Sportbrain (which I miss almost every day). It challenged me to get in 10,000 EVERY SINGLE day. It would give you a little calendar and seeing green for every day really motivated me for some unknown reason. I got back down to what I weighed when I graduated high school. I then joined a gym and hired a trainer and for the 1st time in my list I turned into what I would call....athletic! I ran a few 5K's and ran the Peachtree Road Race 10K two years - once with my son who was about 9 at the time. I was the most fit and felt better than I ever had. I worked full time and spent virtually every evening working out. Incredibly wearing a size 0 or 2 - my constant complaint was finding clothes that would fit. I kept at a reasonable weight until 2009...my only son left for college and left a huge hole in my heart. I put on a little more weight in 2010 and 2011. I took a new job in 2011 which caused me to travel nonstop...welcome another 15 lbs. Last summer, I was let go from said new job (which hindsight was a blessing since I hated it). I had the summer off and HATED it. I finally found a new job that I am really REALLY enjoying. I have all the time in the world to work out and am in the worst shape I have ever been in. I sometimes hate to leave the house. Being heavy prevents me from doing so much. I guess I'd rather hide in my house, with a nice glass of wine (or 2 or 3) and watch tv. Until - over the last few months, I just dont want to do that anymore. I want to go places, see people and actually start living again. I want to look in the mirror and go "Dang - Smokin Hot! I want to shop and complain about nothing fitting. I want to be happy and have my family be proud of me and what I have accomplished.
So - here I am. I want to lose 40 lbs. But more importantly - I want me back.
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